wsacabs

IMsL

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 17:03:10 GMT

Here we are at IMsL. It is good to be back among family, although I have been working for Scotty for a while now so I feel rich in connection with her already. We had the family dinner last night at a great Italian restaurant. Lupa Trattatoria or something like that. Our waiter was from Italy and has been here 8-9 years...I forget now how long exactly. Getting old sometimes is funny like that. Dinner was great. The cab rides to and from were like scenes from those crazy movies about a taxi ride in SF. Racing from this inch of traffic to that inch. Sheesh. Near misses, fast acceleration...enough to make me think I would lose my dinner. We made it though.
Now the day ahead has a tantra intensive, the opening ceremonies and miscellaneous other things. Should be interesting to say the least. I do have a bit (ok a LOT) of anxiety about the tantra for perverts class but am willing to give it a chance. I will report back how it went.
Guess that is it for now...and....here...we...go.....

Catching up

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:25:59 GMT

Wow, where has the time gone? You know the saying-Life is what happens while we are busy making plans.
So. Life. What a riot. Sometimes I think I must be a personal project for making the heavens crack up. I mean really, I can't make up the shit that keeps happening. I have some imagination but sheesh.

So I don't really remember where I left off. If I cared enough I would look back but naaa. Not today.
So I will start with now and roll backwards for a bit and see what comes out.
Today. I took Pat and Marc to the airport at *OH MY GOD are you kidding* early in the morning. They are going for a long weekend to the East Coast on family business...I don't envy them that trip one little bit. I am house and cat sitting and planning my escapades for my free time. Tomorrow I am working but otherwise...footloose and...well, you know.

The weather is great and my bike is now charged up...so I will ride today and Saturday for sure. Probably to see Sharrin, San Francisco, some shopping to do. Shopping on a bike makes you mindful of what you get.
So that is now.

Before now...I just got back from Dallas. Southplains leather fest happens there and I was a contest judge and a presenter. I was so nervous about the class I nearly made myself sick. I had decided to do something different...rather than a 101-basic intro sort of thing I would present on what was current and true for me now. The intimate connection I was working toward with my play. The idea of showing that to a group of strangers was just terrifying. Exciting but mostly terrifying. I will be eternally grateful to the scheduler for putting my class early on Friday so I could relax and enjoy the rest of the weekend.
Enjoy it I did. It was wonderful to reconnect with friends and folks that I have seen for years at this event. It is like coming home. It is very hard to describe but something like this. I mostly feel like an alien in the world at large and feel like an outsider in the greater dyke/lesbian community. I have a feeling of not really belonging completely anywhere...but there I feel like these folks get me, even if they don't know me. They would get me. Part of it I am sure is that I have been there so many years in a row now, it is comfortable. So after the class...I was home.
Judging the contest was way harder than I expected. Of course I took it very seriously but I think everyone did. We wanted to send out the best representative pair we could. That took up all of Saturday so by Saturday night I was whipped...and not in that really good way. Sunday was fun, relaxing and a little sad as folks started heading out. We stayed until Monday morning and the luxury of time together was just wonderful. We flew on separate airlines though and that sucked.
Before that...was Hawaii.
I went there to work for some folks I had worked for in Ca. I still don't know what to say about that little adventure. It was challenging, to say the least. It was financially helpful. The greatest thing that happened there was that I became very grateful for the wonderful people around me, helping and encouraging me thru this very hard time. There was a group of folks there, some of whom I will always call friend. I don't know how I would have made it without them. Big John...you rock man.
And the volcano. I did get one day off to play tourist and I made the most of it. I hiked nearly every open trail around the volcano park on the Kona coast of the big island. I hiked over a cooled lava lake, hiked along the coast to the spot where lava is still pouring into the ocean. The Vapor Cloud at that point is amazing. And deadly. There were tons of warning signs so I stayed out of the fall of that. That day was a very good day.
I also made a good friend of the woman who has the B&B down the road. A cozy little place with a wonderful garden and serenity like dreams are made of. Peaceful. Lush. Inviting. I would go back there in a heartbeat.
But overall...Hawaii...well...this particular trip to there...what an ordeal. I guess I really can't write about it yet. Mostly just profanity and such come to mind. I know there were plenty of reasons for me to go there. One thing I will say is that I am sure glad it is over.
So...what else has been going on?
My relationship is going well. I am regularly amazed at being willing to keep opening up my heart. Some sort of new era for me I guess. I like it and at the same time look at all this from outside it with surprise and curiosity. Sort of like...hmmm wonder what is going to happen next.
A bit like Mr. Toad's wild ride or something.
Next...I looked at a room to rent in SF yesterday. Who would ever have guessed that I would consider something like that? Well, it makes sense if I really do get business rolling down here. Having a base of operation would be a good idea.
That is probably enough for now.

Long time gone

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:00:51 GMT

the long lost blogger returns.

This year has been a wild and wonderful ride. My goodness...who could have imagined it all.
Many of my long held beliefs have been shaken (not stirred) and I have really had to rethink some of them.

Like men. I have long held the position that only bad things happen around them. I have plenty of experience to back up that position and besides...I came out as gay in the late 70's and lesbians were becoming more and more radically separatist. At least in my world view. *They* were bad and the enemy. They caused the world's ills, started wars and raped and pillaged. I knew first-hand about those last two. Yeah, they sucked. And they were all alike.

Like Bi-sexual women. They were all liars and cheating on unwitting husbands because they were bored with their lives. Don't actually get involved with them because when they have had their fill they will go back to the husband and that will be that. The Dyke is always broken hearted and the other woman will just move to the next conquest...or settle back into the Het-entitled-safe world again.

So, what happened?
I met a married woman who tells her husband everything. I met her husband and have a new buddy. I have gotten so close to them that they feel like family to me. This has shaken me out of my rather unexamined world view and gotten me to thinking about what I believe, what I care about and how I connect with the people in my world. What I am finding is that I have been a sucky friend, small and closed to the possibility of love and friendship. Bit by bit I am opening up to see that there is much more than my isolated fortress in the wilderness that is worth investigating. I (OH MY FREAKING GOD) am finding that I even like people. SOME people. A few people. Many more than I have in a long time.
I actually talk with her. I have cried with her. Quite a bit actually. I can feel the ice breaking down and spring coming. It feels great and terrifying and exciting and some days I think I am losing my mind. Other days it does not feel strange or weird at all. Those days are the strangest of all, when it seems perfectly normal that I am in love with a bi and married woman and that I hang out with her and her husband. That her husband and I are good friends.
Typing it out...I really can't believe it is happening. Fercryingoutloud...I am going to lose my radical/feminist/angrydyke card for sure. I guess I am just not that angry anymore.
I have to stop before my head explodes. It is much better if I don't try to think too hard about it all.

OMG Dear Old Dad

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:22:29 GMT

One of my few lifelong dreams has been to meet my biological father. I have dreamed of him, made him a saint, a monster and just about everything in between. I was told he just left and I decided that he didn't want to be a dad. I made up all sorts of stories about why he would go, what happened, that sort of thing.
The beginning of this week I got to learn a whole new story. I got to hear some truth. I got to look in his eyes and see myself. I heard about my huge family, the missing piece that he had always felt, the ways and times he tried to find me. I also heard about the plans and schemes of my mom's family to keep me from meeting my dad. The reasons they thought it would be better if I didn't know him.
I heard and saw him say that he loved me. Every time we have talked on the phone he has said it. Every day that I was with him I heard it. I think I have already heard it more times from him than I have heard those words from my adoptive dad in my whole lifetime.
He is a Harley guy. He has an very cool bike now...an Electraglide and he showed me pictures of his old Shovel head, he rebuilt it so I got to see it piece by piece in pictures.
He is also a street rod guy. He has a 33 Ford Roadster and a 33 Ford sedan (think Bonnie and Clyde) They are so cool. He told me I rode in the sedan as a little baby. I don't really remember it but I believe him.
I can't even begin to get the emotions sorted out. Joy and delight, relief and a feeling of finally being whole.
Anger. Fury. Disappointment. I could take one of those emotion charts that therapists give out...and pick just about any of them...yep, feeling that too. I am thinking that my therapist will be earning that fee for the next few sessions. I may need some overtime.

Life really is funny. I am so happy about this part of it.

Out of Left Field

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 16:18:00 GMT

I swear I couldn't make up the stuff that happens in my life. I don't have the imagination for some of it.
Just a little back story...
My mom had me at 19. She was married to my dad. For apparently just long enough to have me and then he left. I have wondered about that for 49 years. Well...I probably started wondering when I was about 6 and learned enough math to figure out I was older than my parents anniversary number. I think I was ten when I really heard the news that I was not from the same dad as the brothers I had. Makes sense. I didn't look like them. So I asked about MY dad. I was told so many different things that I never knew what to believe. My uncles told me different things, mom said little or nothing. She kept telling me that her current husband loved me. I never could figure that out...why do you hit a kid so much if you love them?
Once I got a little older I started looking in earnest. I found out his last name but that was all I could find. I looked in the phone books at my grandma's house. I thought the family might be around somewhere and I could find them on my own. I struck out. Over and over I looked. I did web searches as an adult. I had an attorney friend run searches with a wide parameter range hoping to snag him somewhere in there.
The more I looked the more it seemed I would never find him.
And then I got that call...the one I had waited for all my life. Actually it was my mom who found my dad's brother, mostly by fluke, luck and I guess the Universe's plan. She made some calls and found my dad.
When she called that Sunday and said...are you sitting down...I just figured someone had died. She insisted I sit down. I told her I was but really I was leaning on the deck. She said she had just hung up from talking with my bio dad. My legs buckled and I fell right on my ass. Yep, I was sitting down now. She gave me the story of finding him, of being in the town she grew up in, the town I was born in, to visit old friends and looked in the phone book. Something we both do every time we are in that town. That day she had success.
So she talked with him. She gave me his phone number. And his first name. I had to laugh. Butch. He goes by Butch. Wonder how he is going to take that he has a butch daughter. Makes me grin quite a bit. The irony of it all.
So I paced around, stomach in knots. My hands shaking. And I called him. We talked for a long time and I made a plan to visit. March 10th I am going to see my dad for the first time. Half a century has nearly passed. I guess better late than never.
So many things have woken up since that call. We have talked many times since and every single time we do he tells me he loves me. I have wanted to hear that all my life. Maybe now I can crack open that part of my heart that has been so completely locked down that I can't even figure out how to get in.
And yes...I am going to see my therapist soon. I need to keep her on speed dial for a bit.
A week and a couple of days. OMG.

More fun

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 12:16:20 GMT

The hits just keep on coming...
I am still in VA, working toward the end of this job. I am so ready to be home. There is never a quiet moment in this house except now, at the butt crack of dawn. So I get up way before the sun. It isn't really quiet but it is better. The TV is off and everyone else is sleeping. There are 6 cats and a dog here as well as my friend. That is a very full house.

Everything is still rather up in the air, relationship-wise. The girl back home seems to have put up some significant walls while I am away. I suppose that makes sense rather than hanging there, waiting for me to come home, feeling vulnerable and alone. She has started a play relationship with a woman she has been friends with for a while and has already started talking about contracts with her. I keep wondering if she is trying to make me jealous. That is a foolish play, if that is her intent. It is quite unlikely to be successful.

I am sure I could get jealous of someone, sometime, over something. It just isn't my natural response. I don't go there first. Or second. Probably not third either. Some folks seem to think that the more you love someone the more likely you are to be jealous. I think that the more insecure you are and the lower your basic self esteem is, the more jealous you get. Not really po tay toe...po taa toe. Very different ways of thinking.

I am hoping to wrap this up by Friday and fly out Saturday. I hope it really does just cost me 75 bucks to change my flight. Crossing my fingers. Mary can pick me up on Saturday after Tai Chi.
There's no place like home, there's no place like home....

Some back story

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 12:58:44 GMT

Yep, lots of it is missing. I know. I was so busy living in the tornado that I have not gotten it down here.
Remember that other woman? Yeah. There came a tug of war and I decided that it would be way too insane to try to see them both. Technically I could but really it was looking like just way too much work. I didn't want to be the chew toy tugged between two pups. So I ended up stopping the budding relationship between the other woman and myself. It was sad to do and I think a surprise to her. We really were hitting it off very well. I did see a glimmer of her anger, which had been reported to me as significant. That helped me believe that I made the right choice. I am expecting some awkwardness when I see her next but that won't be for quite a while. Being across the country does give me some distance in all things.

I am still seeing the first girl and that is going along ok. She also stopped seeing the other woman which made for a really bumpy time. They had been having troubles all along and finally it came to a head and that was that. I am believing that they are not speaking, since that is what she told me. I could be mistaken though. The trouble with her not seeing anyone else is that she very much focused on me. Once again, being across the country is giving me a delightful distance. When I get back we will have to set some ground rules and such. I am going willing to be a primary with her...with all the trappings and expectations that goes with it.

Southplains Leatherfest is coming up the end of Feb. In Dallas. It is my favorite event of the year and I am going. The girl just decided a few days ago that she could afford to go too. With me. In my room. The up side is that she already is setting up play dates with other people. We will have to have a rule about not bringing tricks back to the room or something. Or set up a schedule with each other...or something. I don't room with anyone as a rule (there has been only one exception and he is a special person) so this will be interesting. Well...except when I have been in service. Then I sleep where I am told.

Phew...not caught up but this is a good start on the saga.

Time sure flies

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:23:24 GMT

I am on the other side of the country, remodeling a friend's master bath. It REALLY needed some help. The drip/leak/poor original construction practices had let to extensive dryrot and the floor was falling in. Really. First thing I did when I walked in was fall thru. To the ground under the house. That was really fun.
So I am far from home. For a pretty good chunk of time. So far I am doing ok with it but I can see in the future getting really antsy about not being home.
The woman I am dating is missing me...which is nice. She is also setting up lots of dates, which is really nice. I am hoping she will find someone who she really likes so I am not the focus of her attentions all the time. I like to share. I don't do very well as the primary. I miss her too though. I don't want to sound like I don't. I just don't want to come home to a clingy *want to be your girlfriend* sort of thing. Then I have to work so hard with the boundary setting and keeping. I will do it though because I really don't want a steady girlfriend sort of thing. Dating is nice. Spending some time alone is also nice. OMG do I miss the quiet of my home. There is always some kind of noise here. Regular noise for most, I am sure. Dogs, TV, talking. I realize by being here that I keep a very quiet home.
So much has happened, I can't really even sort it all out yet. Maybe some other post.
Right now there is a bathroom to rebuild.

THE Scene

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:26:29 GMT

It happened Friday night. Fraught with possibilities and pitfalls. The woman I am seeing wanted her other lover and I to top her together for her birthday. Friday night was the night. The party was queer, the dungeon was full but not packed. The energy was interesting but the scene was the thing.
Before the party happened we were all three at the San Francisco women's leather group monthly program. This month was a Carnival like novice night sort of thing. I ran the singletail booth for the first half and got to singletail many yummy folks. For some it was their first time, others were play hungry folks who love tails. By the end of my shift I had been teased and made so hungry for play that the party could not come fast enough for me. We drove over from the Women's building to the dungeon and went in.
Nerves all around were jangling. My lover was shaking a bit and unsure how to proceed. Very endearing, really. The OW and I were ready to get down to it...I am guessing she was as wound up as I was from the previous event. We took off the girls clothes and set her up on a cross with good lighting and plenty of backswing room for me. Then the OW started flogging her and I tucked in front of her to torment her soft front bits while she was being warmed up and then worked over. It was interesting to watch the flogger coming forward, knowing it was not going to hit me. I was feeling it though and sometimes it drew me from top energy into a more masochistic place. I did fight my way back and learned not to watch so closely. I also enjoyed observing the expressions that crossed our victims face as she processed the pain and worked to keep in place. I wonder what she looks like when I am working on her.
After she was well warmed up and quite soundly flogged it was my turn. I took my blue one out...I think I will keep this one specifically for her. I knew she had been fighting the pain of the flogging so I started easy with her, giving her delicate whip kisses over the reddened skin. I wanted to hear her moan and feel the whip but I also wanted to get to work on her for a while so I knew patience and pacing would be required to get what I wanted. She struggled to stay still as I worked her, with the OW now in front of her, filling her slowly with a huge tool. As she grew more still I increased the level of intensity, knowing that she was distracted but still with me. She took a good amount but I think the distraction took its toll and I could see her wavering. A few more solid strikes and I came up to her...sandwiching her between her tops. It was hot and sexy and we wanted to finish the evening off with lots of sex.
There was a handy bondage table available so I tossed a sheet over it and laid her down on it. It has been a long time since I have been in a more than one on one sex thing and it sort of brought back memories of long ago when sex was freer and life was simpler. But I didn't spend long on that and we took turns making sure that she had a very memorable birthday scene.
The rest of the night was spent holding her and helping her get her scrambled brains sorted out. I think it was a great birthday present, I hope she understands what it was. I wonder how many women could get their two lovers to come together to do something like this? I don't know but I kind of think it was a big deal. We didn't really know each other, had only actually seen each other once, or spent any time together only once. Just the Friday before this one. I guess it helps that we hit it off pretty well.
What a night.

Getting Messy

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:46:37 GMT

Well...what do you know??
I had dinner with the other woman last Friday night, at her house. She made a really nice meal and we talked until late in the night. I think I left there about 11:30 or so. She is pretty nice. Thoughtful and feels gentle to me. Of course she is on her best behavior. I hate to wonder about her motives. I hate even more to wonder about mine. Do I find her attractive because she is dating my gf? Is it on her own merits? I really think it is because we have a good connection and would have had one if we met independently of the gf. I still challenge myself around that, keep testing my thoughts.

Naturally the gf is not at all pleased with her two lovers liking each other. Sigh...
She wants us both to top her...but not connect with each other. It just does not work like that. We are not tools, fer crying out loud.

So it is getting messy. I have promised not to play with the other woman alone. I have asked the gf to be working toward getting over the jealousy, insecurity etc that is around that request. I am cautiously optimistic that we can work out something that works for everyone.

Poly Stomachache. That is a phrase the OW coined and I love it. I will be using it a bit in this relationship I am guessing.

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 14:50:27 GMT

This might be the first bump in the road. I came across something that I don't understand. Well, maybe I do understand. I hope that I am misunderstanding or missing her point.
Here is the deal (as I see it right now)
She has told me before that she does not want to be a stepping stone for her other lover's return to the local scene. She does not want to be the one who introduces her to her friends and then have her hook up with her friends for play or whatever. It feels small and petty to me. Now, I totally understand wanting to keep your core friends to yourself but it seems more widespread than that. She knows most of the people in the local scene. Hard to say where that line is drawn, for who is in the inner circle and who is an acquaintance and therefore not off limits.
While this must be frustrating for the Other Woman, I am thinking it will eventually apply to me as well. I have heard her talk about another lover who went behind her to play with someone who she was also playing with...so there is history of this happening. I have never run into this before so I am struggling to understand the why of this as well as how to be aware of it in my own life.
I know I am a huge flirt and will not change that. I expect I will flirt with her friends from time to time. I also expect that I will play with someone that she knows in the future. Law of averages if nothing else. How do I figure out who is ok and who is charged for her...
I am hoping that writing this out will help, although I have no light bulbs going off. I know I can just ask her about each individual case but I don't want to feel like I have to ask her permission for what I do in my life. There has to be something in between that is comfortable. Nothing coming clear yet. I probably need to talk with her about this, face to face, now that it has come up.
OH...Right. The reason it came up.
I sent my contact info thru the new gf to the other woman (grin) so she could contact me directly if she wanted to. I had been hearing that she wanted to meet me and I want to meet her as well. So we talked for about an hour. I had a really nice chat with her. We talked about lots of things, poly challenges and the scene and difficulties in coming back in. I like her. Not that I want her to be my new best friend, or even a friend at all, but I would like to get to know her a bit. The new gf wants us to both top her at the same time...I think we should know what the other looks like before we try that. Just a thought, ya know. Now she is worried that I will end up with her...so I think the insecurity part is hooking her...good heavens. She even mentioned that everything was ok as long as I don't end up with the other. So...she isn't trusting that I I wouldn't do that...that she is the one that I want.
Plenty to think about (and talk with her about later)

The Other Woman

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 14:52:14 GMT

One of those things about being a poly dater...there is often at least one Other Woman in the equation. This is true for me and so far it is not such a problem for me. I am the new one, exciting and without the *issues* and such that come from being in a relationship for a while. Seems the O.W. is having a bit more of a struggle with me. Some of the problem I am sure is that we don't know each other. She doesn't yet know what a lovely human being I am. Doesn't realize that I don't have designs on being the only one in the new gf's life. I WANT her to have another lover. I don't want to be the only one. I can't be around enough for that.
So tonight we are going to talk on the phone. Yesterday she wrote me an email. I had asked the gf to give the O.W. my contact info and she could connect with me if she wanted to. I liked the email she wrote. Thoughtful and generous. Considerate and open. Willing to admit that sometimes things are hard for her and wanting to get beyond it. A very good start.
So I guess I will see how that goes tonight.

After all that

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 19:41:45 GMT

it was no big deal.
The second I got there all the fear and baggage just fell away. It was like a sno cone on a hot day. No, faster than that. like water on a hot grill. One second and just vapor.

The old demons had no place in me. All good.

Every time I see her, spend time with her, talk with her, I feel better about her, closer to her. I know there will be stuff that will come up. Later. Right now I am enjoying the glow. That wonderful part where everything is wonderful and hot and sexy and new. Where everything she does is fantastic and she looks at me with *those* eyes. <grin> You know the look. The one that melts you inside without any work.

This week has been quite a time. I hooked up with a friend Sunday afternoon and was going to spend Sunday and Monday with her, helping her with some things that need doing. I was going to get my *service* need addressed a little and she was going to get a bit off her *to do* list. We spent most of Sunday evening at a whip makers house, while he repaired some of her toys. I watched and watched...he let me work on a knot after he formed it. OMG it was so much fun. He kept showing me what he was doing, why he was doing it like that, what to look for and be careful of. I really want to learn to braid whips now. Of course I ordered two of the best books on the subject. (according to him) so they will be here in a couple more days. I can see a new fascination coming on.

Then she got sick. I mean SICK. 101 temp and barfing. It was after midnight and I was scared she had the flu. So I came home. We were both a bit disappointed but sometimes it just works that way. Now I want to figure out a different day to head down there.

So Monday I spent trying to recover from being up most of the night. I got home about 3:30 am, which is very close to time to get up for me. Tuesday evening my new hot water heater arrived so...Wednesday I started putting it in.
This is a long boring tale, full of plumbing annoyances, frustration at having no mounting template included in the box. All the pipes had to be modified and one had to be re sized. Long and short of it...NOW...Thursday morning, I have hot water. VERY hot water if I want it. Heaven is a hot shower. Who knew?

Tonight I am going to a holiday gathering of the Sacramento Leather group that I belong to. Should be quite a collection of folks. There is a relatively new couple in town and the butch of the pair is quite a piece of work. I am keeping a distance and hoping the hurricane passes and we can all get along. Many folks from different parts of my kink life will be there. I hope everyone can play nice.

OK, it's Saturday

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 14:01:18 GMT

Am I all better now?

Are my childhood and early dating demons skewered back into the dark corners where they live? Do I have my logical mind and emotional self aligned now?

Will I respond appropriately today? Will I be reactionary about insignificant and perceived slights? Will I be open and authentic? Can I even talk with her about any of this stuff? Will I say I am fine, over the bumps? Am I? Why or why not?

I want to say I have wrestled this thing down but I haven't. I want to feel it. Go thru it. Get past it. Be DONE with it. My habit of stuffing, ignoring, turning a blind eye and deaf ear...No More. I have a quote on my file cabinet (where many life altering quotes live) that says "Overcome the urge to retreat on the brink of discovery." I think I am on that brink. My tendency would be to retreat. Pull up the drawbridge and fill the moat with gators. So, since that habit has not served me so well in the past, I am choosing a different way. Awkward and unsure, like learning to write with your non dominant hand. Still, it can be done.

The final test will be when I see her. Today, at 1pm. I am bringing her firewood so I will have a job right off the bat. Something physical to do, to work off a little of the nerves.
I knew there was a down side to feeling...but it will be so great to be on the other side.

What she said

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:41:37 GMT

was exactly what I would want her to say. She said it gently, at a time when I had plenty of processing time so sort thru how it made me feel before I see her again. I want to know how she feels...what she thinks...the affect actions have on her.
She did nothing wrong. She was brave to say what she did. The potential for negative reactions was large. She was honest and open and vulnerable. My brain knows all these things. My logical mind is quite satisfied with the transfer of information.
But...
my wounded self took a hit.
Apparently I still have some old rejection tapes laying around and one of them kicked in. What she said was...when you do this for too long, sometimes it causes this response. Very helpful information for me. Given with love and kindness. No judgment or blame, just info.
What do I hear?
Don't touch me.
I don't want you anymore.
I hate what you do to me.

Good lord...

After thousands of dollars in therapy, hundreds of hours of meditation, nearly two years of intense introspection and I still can't hear what my lover says.

I KNOW she didn't say any of those things. Quite to the contrary. She was very reassuring that her desire is still strong, that she did want me. She had to have guessed at least some of what would have happened in my head. She said all the things I would and will need to work this out. She gave me enough to hold onto as I fight these demons. I was so sure this one was dead. Do they ever really die? Are they all just resting, waiting for the next thing that can release them?

She didn't reject me, she just gave me some insight into how to be a better lover and top for her.
She did nothing wrong. I have to get this right in myself before Saturday.
I want to be so much better than this. Petty, juvenile reactions that I have.
If only my logical self could untangle my emotional self.

Joy

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 16:25:08 GMT

Yep, joy. That deep felt happiness that bubbles up from inside. Often triggered by external sources but it really comes from within. I thought I had run out of that. I figured that I had all I was going to get. I was mostly ok with it, not going to fuss too much. I have had a lot of loves and laughs and joy. I had at least my share of the pain and other feelings that are the other side of joy. Not getting one seemed to keep the other away as well. Somehow I had convinced myself that neutral was a good place to be. Idling at the curb was just like driving in the fast lane, only safer and somehow better. That the scenery never changed was just a minor thing. I still had my imagination so I could picture that I was going places, pretending I was doing things. I was in charge of everything and I felt safe.
And bored to death. Really. Seriously. To the *what is the point of it all anyway* state of wanting to quit. I remember another time when I got to this point. Nothing was working for me. Life just plain sucked and I was against the wall. I was going to die or change. I voted that time for change. I learned how to live again. It wasn't easy. Often it wasn't fun at all. It was growth though and led me to some good things.

Then the nicks and bumps of life started building up and I built layer after layer of protection to buffer the wounds. Like changing lanes. Out of the fast lane...into the #2 lane...a little slower. Then moving all the way to the right. Tentative and slow. Moving with merging traffic and getting more and more annoyed with the whole drive. Finally I pulled to the shoulder and idled...considering turning off the engine completely. Maybe even walking for a while.

Maybe a year ago, or longer, I started wanting to drive again. I got out the car, checked my license. Oil and gas...air in the tires. Drove thru the car wash. Checked the map. Pulling away from the curb was scary but once around the block and back home...just fine. Soon I was tooling around, meeting new people, catching up with old friends, breathing air that was not only at my home. First gear.

I started thinking about a road trip. Something challenging but that I could get back home easily if it didn't work out. IMsL happened and I got to do some higher speed driving. It was fun, like I remembered it. Rather like riding a bike, it all comes back. But I wanted to stop after that weekend...it was exhausting and a little scary. People wanted to hook into me again and I could not have that. So...I parked again. But I had a taste and would not be denied. I had made commitments during the high rev time of IMsL, which were destined to get me away from the curb again.

I would be teaching. That most vulnerable of places for me. I loved and hated it. When I teach, there is often that one student who's eyes light up and the understanding is there. I live for that moment. The rest of it is hard. I feel open and exposed, that nightmare of going to work naked I suppose. So I presented. I drove. I shared with people the things that mean the most to me. The first outing after IMsL was rough. My demo bottom bailed at the last minute, so I had to run on a spare tire that night. That little donut tire that passes for a spare. Not the time to run in the fast lane but I did keep driving.

Then came the trip I had been putting off for years. The BIG ONE. The Exiles had been inviting me to come for ages. It was a long trip, full of challenges and potential pot holes. I would need all my skill and attention. I tuned the car, sharpened my skills, printed maps. The risk was huge. Pulling away from the curb I willed myself into the fast lane. I can do this. I can be open with these people. I will be vulnerable and giving and walk thru my fear. I will taste it and not turn away. And I did. When I was nervous I said so and it left me. I let myself get wide open, showed a roomful of people the core of me. Where my heart lives. They gave back a hundredfold. As I opened, so did they.

That night was the big crack in the wall, the one that let me start to feel joy again. I reconnected with people I care about and met some new friends. I could feel friendliness in myself, warming to the people. It let me see that I do like to drive. I do want to move thru life, not just idle at the curb or park in the garage. Life is for the living.

Life is for joy. For love. For laughing. For blissful exhaustion.

I have much to be thankful for. *She* is a huge part of that. Personal change and growth so that *she* could be a part of my life, priceless.

Boy, do I have things to be thankful for

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 20:04:00 GMT

Now that the official turkey day is over and it is life with leftovers, I want to sit down and lay out my gratitude list.
My life of late has taken some wild turns and changes seem to be coming weekly.
Gone is the isolation driven, fearful me. I am hungry for people again. I look forward to social engagements. I am actually signing up for things. Getting involved. Breathing deeply. Drinking at the well.
I am thankful that the time spent doing the self healing work has paid off and now I can get back to life. I have wanted to for a while now. Made some attempts that were not quite successful but they were the start. Wanting to led the way to being able to.
I am grateful for people in my life. I am really grateful to be grateful for that. How funny is that?
Feeling human again.
Feeling connected to the Universe and Spirit.

I have lots more to be thankful for but I am going back out to enjoy the wonderful sunshine. Perhaps tonight will be better for writing.

Having fun again

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 04:56:30 GMT

Yep.
I saw her again.
Friday night.
We met at the SF leatherwomen's program and I took her to her home afterward. The program was fun but after that...it was Fantastic. Amazing. Intense. This was really only the second date. Really, I don't hardly know her at all.
Really...it has been a month since we started dancing. Writing, talking, fantasizing. Two weeks ago was the first date. That one was great too.
It lasted two full days.
And. I am going to see her Monday and Tuesday. I have been working long hours and will work all day tomorrow to get everything finished on this job.
Young lust. It is great. At any age.

Still Smiling

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 04:30:08 GMT

She called today. This morning. To say hi.
How cool is that. I guess she still likes me.

We have a next date set...Nov. 16th. We will meet at the Exiles class on Rope Bondage. I can't wait.

I am working with a singletail student before the class so that will be fun too. Distracting but fun. I guess I am not quite ready to hang up my whips and leathers after all.

I am working way too hard, afraid the stream of jobs will stop but getting pretty tired in the meantime. I have a deadline of *before Thanksgiving* to get this job done as well as finishing up a piece of another. I just don't know how I will get it all done. Well, I do but it isn't pretty.

Right now, I think perhaps bed is the best idea.

It was not a dream

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 05:12:38 GMT

Seems last weekend really did happen. She called to say what a great time she had. We have chatted online and made a date to see each other again.
Oh man oh man oh man oh man...

Reeling, spinning, losing balance
Catching my breath just to have it snatched away.

Did I mention she cooked for me?
Several meals. Very well. She actually cooks like I do. Similar seasonings even. Pretty funny.
Blueberry pancakes for Sunday morning...I haven't had pancakes in ages. I never make them for myself.

What fun.

Up For Air

Sun, 04 Nov 2007 22:02:40 GMT

Where did the weekend go?

What can I say??? Wow.

Yeah, how full of information is that. Ha.

OK...let's see. I left here about 10am Friday morning, due at her door at 1pm. It is a much easier drive than I thought so of course I was quite early. I parked down the street and worked at calming myself down a bit. NO....not like that. Pervert.
Self soothing talk...breathing...like that.
When it was nearly one I called...yes she was home, where was I? Parked across the street by then.
Well, if I tell the tale like this, it will take ages.

Let's just say it was more than I dared hope for without the stuff I was worried about. She has a healthy poly attitude, fulfilling life, happy in her self. INCREDIBLY sexy. Easy to be with. Really nice to talk with.
We even went on a hike in the Oakland hills, a very pretty woodsy area so close to all the cities it is just wonderful. That was great, to do a regular life sort of thing. So see...we did come up for air from time to time. We also went to a play party and she stood for my tail...it was amazing to feel that connection again. She took my energy and gave it back, rolling and feeling. It was altering. I was convincing myself I wouldn't find a way to play like that anymore, that it would just be pure SM (which is fine in itself) but I hungered for that connection with a bottom. Phew. I got that and so much more.
Did I mention how sexy she is?
So now of course both of our lives are jammed full of things already planned...I have no idea when I will get to see her again.
Delightful agony.

Date Set

Wed, 31 Oct 2007 01:09:21 GMT

Ok....it's done.
Friday we will finally spend some actual face to face time. Food would be a good idea. There is also a leather event in San Jose this weekend so maybe we will check that out. Heh...or not.
It is really hard to know things about someone until you really spend some actual time together.
Maybe that will help settle my brain (and stomach) down a bit.
Or not.

Is it Friday yet?

Finally the Weekend

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 15:55:08 GMT

It has been quite a week. It appears I may have some control issues. <duh> My current job includes some things that I can't or don't do, so I have had to subcontract them out.
What a nightmare. How do companies stay in business with zero customer support and tech support that is patently wrong? Yesterday the final installment of *granite by idiots* was completed and I can't do much but dance around like a fool on drugs. I can't even begin to count the number of things they did that I will hold against them. Some they will pay monetarily for and some they will pay in universal karma but they will never have my business or goodwill again. Dang.

But now it is the weekend and I am home and planning my assault on the to do list. I need to build doors for my washing machine shed. Probably I will need to get the roof shingles on too, since my helper in all things roofing now has a *relationship* of sorts. Then there is the recycling that needs to go, a small load to the dump. Maybe a larger load if I investigate the carport closely.
All in all a good weekend for me. No social obligations, nothing I HAVE to do because of anything but my own choices. I love that most of all.

Maybe this is where I will start musing about the new girl. Seems I have found one that actually does pique my interest. She has more than three brain cells to rub together, which is just about enough in itself. I have seen her around...you know. Walking by...chatting with friends and my head whips to watch her. Heh...did I mention she is a femme??? Skirts and heels and cleavage...mmmm But more than just pretty. Intelligent and thoughful. Articulate.
Not really holding my breath. This might be a fun play date. She introduced herself to me when I was teaching singletails for the Exiles in San Francisco. Maybe she just really wants a good whipping...which is right up my alley.
She does give good email though...
I don't know if I am ready for a femme though. Hmm..it has been well over two years, so maybe I am.
Maybe we should eat a meal together before I worry about it too much. Yeah. That's the idea.

Catching up

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 23:59:11 GMT

Sheesh...long time no write.

Splitting wood is a blast. Hard stinking work but really fun. I am pretty sure I did just as much splitting solo as I ever have with help. Lesson learned. Now I feel wood rich for the winter. I have no fear now when I burn a few logs to take the evening chill off. I have plenty. I did it myself. Ha.

Last Friday night (Oct 19) I did my final singletail presentation. It was for the Exiles in San Francisco and seems to have gone well. Everyone else is always so pleased with my presentations. They never get any easier for me. I never have figured out how to like it. Not at all. So I have made the executive decision that I don't have to do that anymore. How grown up of me. Making my own decisions like that. Only took half a century to get here. OK, almost half.

I did meet an interesting couple of women that night. One wants to be my student and learn all things singletail. One on one. She even offered to pay me. Of course I declined that. It was pretty cool though. The other one wants to bottom to me. I know her as a big scary top. She has been around for years although we have never actually met.

So I guess those are the silver linings of the scary parts of presenting.

Today was a completely different kind of day. I got it off, waiting on granite installers to do their thing. I love a random midweek day off. I hauled the new bathtub around to the spot I wanted it to live and filled it with dirt and compost. Then I planted my heart out. Onions, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, pac choi, lettuce. The fall crops are in. I am still getting crookneck squash so the summer garden is still chugging along.

Today is a good day.
Oh yeah, yesterday I saw a unicorn. Well, ok it is a buck with just one prong. The prong is about a foot or better and the other side he has a tiny nub. I am hoping for a picture tonight. He came near sunset so maybe he has a pattern. It was very cool.

Log Splitting Day

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 14:48:16 GMT

Yesterday was *get everything ready for splitting* day. I sorted and piled and re-stacked. Everything that needs to be split has been tossed into loose piles for easy access. Empty places made to toss the resulting firewood chunks. All the wood that is already the right size has been stacked in the woodshed or the rack on the side of the shed.
I am ready. As ready as I can be that is. I have never run one alone. My splitting buddy is in a relationship now. I am happy for her and all that but...being the ex and all I tend to get cut out of the loop. I think maybe she isn't *allowed* to come over without supervision.
So, being the resourceful sort that I am, I have figured out ways to do just about everything myself. I even put up gutters all around the sheds and other buildings solo. That was a trick, let me tell you. The splitter will be an interesting challenge. Usually one person drives the ram and the other loads the wood. We take turns because the loader gets tired. Doing both means a lot more moving around and hoping the log stays put while I drive the ram down.

Stay tuned...